Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
