Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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