i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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