it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
