hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
