I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
