no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
