kristin has been a bad kristin
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
