Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
