I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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