Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
