I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
