I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
