pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
