I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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