Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
