I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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