Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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