Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
