after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
