I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
