May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
