I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Holy shit dude........stairs
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
