I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
