yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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