i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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