I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
you made out with another girl for some wings
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
