Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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