Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
