Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
