So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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