I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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