i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
