i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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