don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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