I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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