he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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