I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
