You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
