I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
