Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
