I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
