I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
