she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
