She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
