Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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