ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
