I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
