Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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