i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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